Arthur Dent
Arthur Dent seems to be having trouble with his lifestyle. One morning, he woke up with a hangover to discover his house being demolished. As he lay in front of the bulldozers, his friend Ford Prefect took him to the pub and revealed that he was an alien. Shortly after this, his native planet was destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass. Things got really confusing when he discovered a girl he once met at a party had absconded with a two headed alien on a stolen spaceship. This was just a prelude to a string of very strange events, throughout which he would be utterly unable to get a cup of tea.
Ford Prefect
Ford Prefect is a roving reporter for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. His most recent assignment was to an insignificant planet in an unfashionable end of the galaxy. He chose his name in the belief that he would blend nicely in to the native culture . Intending to stay for a week, he was stranded for fifteen years. He chose his name in the belief that he would blend in to the native culture nicely. This was a slight translation problem. Although sometime worse for wear due to excessive consumption of Ol' Janx Spirit, he always knows where his towel is.
Trillian
Tricia McMillian (Trillian to her friends) is a highly trained astrophysicist and keeper of white mice. Born on Earth, she met a guy at a fancy dress party who turned out to be from another planet. He eventually turned out to be her boyfriend, Zaphod Beeblebrox. Trillian appears to have had several fates: being eaten by the ravenous Bugblatter beast of Traal, being married to the president of the Algolian chapter of the Galactic Rotary Club, accidentally having Arthur Dent's child and being blown up along with the Earth after all. These improbable fates may be related to her time aboard the Heart of Gold, which she learnt to pilot by driving round Hyde Park Corner on a moped.
Zaphod Beeblebrox
Three arms, two heads, and one big ego. Zaphod Beeblebrox is cool. He's so cool you could keep a side of meat in him for a month. He's also the president of the galaxy - or at least, he was until he stole the starship Heart of Gold, and went on a jaunt to find the fabled planet of Magrathea. He's not quite sure why. There might have been fabulous wealth involved, but he might have been searching for the real ruler of the universe. When faced with the horrifying prospect of being fed into the Total Perspective Vortex, he thought first of his stomach, and secondly of a trip to a discotheque. Whateve he does, he does with style (and a smattering of bad language).
Marvin
Marvin is the ship's robot on the starship Heart of Gold. He is a fine example of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation's 'Genuine People Personalities' technology. He is very, very depressed about this. He has a brain the size of a planet, yet is rarely given the chance to use it. Mostly he finds himself waiting several million years to park cars for an exclusive restaurant, being dropped several miles on to solid rock, and being left to defend himself against awesome military technology. He finds none of these things enjoyable.
The Heart of Gold
The Heart of Gold is the sleekest, most advanced, coolest spaceship in the galaxy. Its stunning good looks mirror its awesome speed and power. It is powered by the revolutionary new Infinite Improbability Drive, which lets the ship pass through every point in every univese simultaneously. The ship is equipped with the latest in Sirius Cybernetics Corporation robots and computers with GPP technology. Unfortunately, the Heart of Gold was stolen during its launch ceremony by the President of the Galaxy.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The Hitchhiker's Guide is the greatest success of Megadodo Publications. A handy electronic reference book, its chief selling points are the words 'Don't Panic' written in large friendly letters on the cover, and the fact it is cheaper than its closest competitor. Its reporters travel the length and breadth of the Galaxy, drinking heavily, going to lots of parties and generally having a great time. This life experience is then passed on via the SubEtha net to every copy of the guide, allowing galactic hitchhikers the opportunity to misinterpret the inaccurate copy and wind up being eaten by the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Much of the guide's content is plagiarised from the back of cereal packets, and some of it is just made up. Its most useful advice concerns towels.
Towels
Towels are the most useful thing it is possible to have handy in a crisis. One of the first things that Ford Prefect did for Arthur Dent after the demolition of the Earth was to equip him with a towel. They can be used for snaring birds whilst falling from a three-mile high marble statue. They can be used to signal temporally unstable spaceships by fossilizing them in planetary strata. They can be soaked in nutrients to provide sustenance in awkward situations (Although, as Zaphod Beeblebrox found, this is not a terribly tasty solution to hunger). They can also do a really good job of drying between your toes. The Hitchhiker's Guide is full of suggestions for successful towel deployment. It is worth noting that a cup of white vinegar in a wash will help keep your towels fluffy and soft.
Alcohol
Fluid replacement is vital to the well-being of all organic life. However, some beings take fluid replacement to health-threatening extremes, with the enthusiastic imbibing of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters. A cocktail invented by Zaphod Beeblebrox, its ingredients include Ol' Janx Spirit, Santraginean sea water, Arcturan Mega-gin, Fallian marsh gas, Qualactin Hypermint extract, the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger, Zamphuor and an olive. It should be drunk with extreme care. Ol' Janx Spirit is a particularly vicious alchololic drink. This clip demonstrates its adverse affects. Wiping the neck of a bottle with a towel is more likely to kill any bacteria on the towel than on the bottle. It is an interesting fact that almost every culture invents a drink called a jynnan tonnyx, or something that sounds identical. Some beings reject alcohol, and instead drink tea. No-one is quite sure why.
The Babel Fish
The Babel Fish is small, yellow, and simultaneously translates from one spoken language to another. When inserted into the ear, its nutrition processes convert sound waves into brain waves, neatly crossing the language divide between any species you should happen to meet whilst travelling in space. Some say that the evolution of the Babel fish could not have been accidental, and hence that it proves the non-existence of God. Arthur Dent, a surviving Earthling, commented only 'Eurgh!' when first inserting the fish into his ear canal. It did, however, enable him to understand Vogon Poetry - not, necessarily, a good thing.
Deep Thought
The great supercomputer Deep Thought is the most powerful computer ever built, with one exception. It was designed by hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings, who wanted to know the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everthing. Its creation annoyed a fair few philosophers, who felt that it was taking over their turf. After seven and a half million years of serious cogitation, Deep Thought spoke the answer. However, it ws so inexplicable that Deep Thought then had to go on and design the most powerful computer ever built (with no exceptions) to work out what the question was.
Milliways
Milliways is, of course, better known as the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Max Quordlepleen is your host for an evening of fine food, fine wine, and a floorshow featuring the universe as we know it boiling away into the cosmic void. The Restaurant has some of the most staggeringly extravagant decor ever seen, a variety of the strangest guests from throughout history, and serves a particularly fine PanGalactic Gargle Blaster. Despite the staggering expense of eating there, it remains popular with everyone from disciples of the Great Prophet Zarquon to dead Rock stars. We recomend the steak.
Rude Words
Belgium.
Less offensive words have been created in the many languages of the galaxy, such as joojooflop, swut and Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish. The use of bad language can have unforseen circumstances. One example is the war between the G'gugvunts and the Vl'hurgs, caused by a casual remark made by Arthur Dent being mistaken as a terrible insult. Simultaneous Babel Fish translation also means that any being can be rude to any other being without the need for extensive explanations. This has also started many wars. The reason the Earth has been shunned for so long is also due to a language problem. On Earth, Belgium refers to a small country. Throughout the rest of the galaxy, Belgium is the most unspeakably rude word there is.
Slartibartfast
Slartibartfast is a venerable Magrathean planetary designer. He specialises in Fjords, having won an award for Norway. He was woken from a five million year sleep by a final order for a duplicate Earth. Its premature demolition caused a terrible hooha, and a new copy was ordered from the original blueprints. It was Slartibartfast who told Arthur that his home was in fact an enormous computer, working on the ultimate question to the ultimate answer. He has never been very good at threats.
Tea
Dried leaves, boiled. Tea is considered a delicacy in many parts of the Galaxy. However, the proliferation of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Nutrimatic Machines has made it very hard to get a good cup of tea. It is also a strong Brownian Motion producer. When a Brambleweeny57 sub-meson brain is linked to an atomic vector plotter suspended in a nice hot cup of tea, finite amounts of improbability are produced. This scientific effect was used to manufacture the Infinite Improbability Drive that powers the Starship Heart of Gold. A favourite drink of Arthur Dent.
The Universe
Space (or to give it a more technical name, 'The Universe') is big. Really Big. It's also full of really surprising things like Babel fish and tea. The history of the universe is terribly long and awfully difficult to understand, even in its simpler moments which are, roughly speaking, the beginning and the end. Some believe the universe was sneezed out of the nose of the Great Green Arkleseisure. Others that it was created by God. A race of supreme beings eventually decided to find out the ultimate answer to life the universe, and everything. The results of their research were far from conclusive.
Government
To all intents and purposes, the galaxy is currently ruled by Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox. However, there are two reasons why this is actually a lie. 1. Zaphod has recently stolen a large and very valuable spaceship, the Starship Heart of Gold. This will doubtless terminate his term as President. 2. The best person to rule the galaxy is someone who doesn't want to do it. The person who is actually in charge is not aware of his pivotal role in galactic politics, and spends much of his time talking to a cat. Zaphod Beeblebrox may have figured this out, and it may have something to do with point one above, and his subsequent visit to the dead planet of Magrathea.
Magrathea
The ancient planet of Magrathea was one of the wealthiest in the galaxy due to its extraordinary trade. Its inhabitants built customised planets to order. These were fabulously expensive, so during the great galactic stock market crash they went into hibernation. Magrathea was slowly forgotten, and many believed the stories about the people who made planets were mere legend. The inhabitants of Magrathea were woken by a special order from some pan-dimensional beings, whose first custom-made planet had been destroyed. Shortly afterwards, Zaphod Beeblebrox arrived on the planet in search of fabulous wealth and some answers to some questions he didn't know he wanted to ask. This resulted in a large new crater being formed on Magrathea's otherwise unexciting surface due to the sudden impact of a large Sperm Whale.
The Earth
Mostly Harmless
A small, blue-green world in one of the less fashionable sectors of the galaxy. It was demolished by the Vogons in order to make way for a hyperspace bypass. Two humans survived; Arthur Dent, and Trillian. Two mice and some dolphins also escaped. The Earth was often mistaken for a planet. It was, in fact, a powerful supercomputer running a program designed by hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings.
The Question
It has been shown that there is an answer to the great question of life, the universe and everything. It was computed by Deep Thought, but really didn't seem to provide , well... an answer. The great computer kindly pointed out that what the problem really was that no-one knew the question. Accordingly, the computer designed its successor, the Earth, to find the question to the ultimate answer. However, due to a slight Golgafrincham problem, and a small hooha with some Vogons the program went a bit wrong. The whole problem remains just as mysterious as it always has been, but a little more frustrating.
The Ultimate Answer
Some time ago a group of hyper-intelligent pan dimensional beings decided to finally answer the great question of Life, The Universe and Everything. To this end they built an incredibly powerful computer, Deep Thought. After the great computer programme had run (a very quick seven and a half million years) the answer was announced. The Ultimate answer to Life, the Universe and Everything is...
(You're not going to like it...) Is...
42
Which suggests that what you really need to know is 'What was the Question?'.
Poetry
Poetry, well written, can be a spiritually uplifting experience. Badly written, it can be an experience of buttock-clenching horror. The third worst poetry in the universe is written by Vogons, and frequently used as a form of torture. The absolute worst poetry was written by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings. It involved decaying swans. Luckily, it was destroyed during the demolition of the Earth. Examples of good, if long, poetry can be heard on the planet of Golgafrincham, home to the great circling poets of Arium.
Vogons
Vogons are extremely ugly, extremely officious, and generally not much fun to be around. They emerged from the seas of the planet Vogsphere, and gave up on evolving there and then. Only their stubbornness allowed them to survive. They generally become bureaucrats in the galactic government. Their unpleasant demeanour makes them ideally suited to such employment. One such Vogon is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, of the Vogon Constructor fleet. Having destroyed the Earth in order to make way for a hyperspace bypass, he then proceded to read some of his poetry to two helpless victims. It is hard to hitch lifts on Vogon ships - it is only made possible by the Dentrassi cooks employed by Vogon fleets.
Golgafrincham
The planet Golgafrincham creatively solved the problem of middle managemers: it blasted them in to space. Golgafrinchan Telephone Sanitisers, Management Consultants and Marketing executives were persuaded that the planet was under threat from an enormous mutant star goat. The useless third of their population was then packed in Ark spaceships and sent to an insignificant planet. That planet turned out to be Earth, where the arrival of the Golgafrincham B Ark rather disrupted an experiment designed to find the question to the ultimate Answer. Golgafrincham is also famous for its circling poets.
The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation are the galaxy's premiere manufacturers of computers, robots, lifts and other such essential, life-enhancing technologies. Most recently, they have fitted the starship Heart Of Gold with their flagship products. The corporation's 'Genuine People Personalities' make interacting with objects such as doors and teasmades a new and exciting adventure. Or very irritating, depending on your frame of mind. Doors will always open politely, and it will be their pleasure to serve your entrance and exit needs. Their Happy Vertical People Transporters - or Lifts - are fitted with the most recent precognition software, allowing them to be on the floor you want, before you know you want it! Their Nutrimatic drinks machines very rarely produce drinkable beverages. The corporation's complaints department now covers all the major land masses of the first three planets in the Sirius Tau Star system.
Mice
Mice are not, as is commonly assumed on Earth, small white squeaking animals who spend a lot of time being experimented on. In fact, they are the protrusions into our dimension of hyper-intellegent pan-dimensional beings. These beings are in fact responsible for the creation of the Earth. Two mice (Frankie and Benjy) escaped from Earth before the premature termination of its programme. They had belonged to an Earthling known as Trillian. They were rather keen to remove Arthur Dent's brain to reveal the ultimate question, which they had devoted a lot and time and money to finding. The whole business with the cheese and the squeaking is just a front.
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